Carl Jung. My in-progress fantasy dinner party: Carl Jung, Albert Einstein, Henry David Thoreau, Ernest Hemingway, Jesus Christ, Jim Morrison, Robin Williams.
Don’t underestimate dreams. Most cultures consider their dream life as relevant as their “waking” one and would debate which is more relevant. We are mostly asleep in our lives!
I’ve been incubating dreams — trying to meditate at night, preparing the room for restful sleep, eliminating technology from it, thinking of my mother, inviting her to come. Until last night, though, I’ve had very limited success. One dream she was sitting with me in a doctor’s office or hovering elusively. Lately I’ve been dreaming often about dogs. Once, two dogs I don’t remember much about. Once a dog I was trying to save, to get to a vet. And most lately, a dog that appeared to be like my own English Shepherd (though wasn’t) seemed in front of me, guiding me somewhere. I could see the top of her back. To dream of dogs usually has a few basic meanings according to those who believe such things: the first thing that they all bring up is that it represents a skill that one has not used or ignored. (I had no idea of this one and I’ve had a horrible time getting into my writing since becoming care-giver of my father and son with Downs). Dogs also represent loyalty and friendship and those that believe repeatedly talk of betrayal or loss of a relationship. Or sometimes the reverse — new relationships forming. My dream dogs have not been threatening and in the last one, it seemed my dream dog was trying to lead me out of the maize. Perhaps dogs are my spirit animal since I am haunted by wolves and coyotes and have always written about canines.
But last night was a breakthrough night. I dreamed I couldn’t sleep. Or at least I thought so at first but I soon realized I was in fact dreaming I was awake and further that someone was telling me to wake up, wake up! I drifted for a few minutes until my dreams floated back to me — as they do if you think about them right away without moving. My eyes flashed open as I realized that if I’d slipped back to sleep I would never have remembered this dream. Someone was waking me up! I realized that finally I was dreaming of my mother, not in a way I could participate (which was unusual because I’ve become used to lucid dreaming where I at least know I am dreaming even if I can’t direct them as I want to). I realized I didn’t know in this dream that I was dreaming at all. It had been a rare dream that seemed totally real.
I lived in a house or apartment that wasn’t familiar to me. Someone was with me. It might have been my son Josh with Downs, he was sleeping by my side, but I was aware I didn’t live there all alone. But my mother was trying to tell me that someone was in my house when I wasn’t there. Someone was ‘trying to replace her” she said. I had a thought of this woman in town my father dated for a bit–Mrs. Snoop my dad calls her now. It didn’t seem to be her. In the dream Mom wasn’t dead, but I couldn’t really see her countenance clearly. I knew it was her, though. She told me to check out the razor in the bathroom. It wasn’t hanging in the right place she said, and there was the wrong toothbrush in there, it had vertical stripes along a strange piece added to the bristles, four vertical blue stripes. It wouldn’t have been very functional as a toothbrush, though it seemed the stripes were the wrong thing and not the function. The wallpaper seemed wrong (Mom always hung wallpaper, though I a not a fan) and the window shades, which had mural scenes on them, also had holes in them. But that was not the biggest problem. There was a radio there with dozens of those little slide controls on the top and no matter what I did to them I could not stop this radio from playing. (Sort of like that radio in Stephen King’s 1408 movie where John Kusack couldn’t stop the radio from playing the Carpenter’s “It’s Only just Begun”–a real nightmare for sure–even if he unplugged it or smashed it). And I tried that in the dream. I unplugged it and I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t playing that song–a song I was vaguely familiar with but was aware I couldn’t place it–and I can’t recall the words or tune now. I took this radio to someone. I’m unsure if he/she was a shrink or an appliance repairman! I think it was a he and he couldn’t account for this either.
It played on.
But I am fairly certain all this is some kind of warning — the dogs, my mother. Something is wrong. I have never had a dream like this. And since I wanted my mother to arrive in my dreams so I could ask her a question I neglected to ask when she was alive, and I’ve had limited success invoking her, this seems like a success. It also feels like an omen–the same with the dogs. There’s someone in my life doing something. She was telling me to pay attention. WAKE UP. I realize I am neglecting something, my work. Missing things — something wrong in a relationship?
Friendships were prominent in the night because I wrote down my ‘mother” dream, then went back to sleep. I dreamed of a friend I lost (for all intents and purposes–I see her on facebook), a friend I valued very much, but is now just an acquaintance. At least partly my fault, I imagine. I tried to repair it to no real avail. She had once dated my brother. I was trying to talk to her in the dream and she kept turning away from me. It seems we were in a car maybe, or a restaurant. I can’t recall the conversation.
But this was a night of significance. If you are not one to believe in synchronicity or a dream life, this post will not be meaningful and you will be likely not to read this or give credence, but if your dream travels matter as much as your daytime ones (we are often asleep in our lives as I say), then it will mean much.
I’ve been neglecting not just my work, but my diet. We have had a terrible cold or flu here this last week or so and I’ve eaten candy, chips, coke, because I’ve had little appetite and little emotional reserves or energy for cooking and even less for eating well. We are slowly on the mend, though it’s been a trick to keep my son away from my dad who I’ve managed to keep from catching this — wiping down everything I give him, we hanging on one side of the house.
This Friday I have an echo and some blood tests to be sure my brother’s recently diagnosed 5.2 cm aortic heart aneurysm doesn’t run in families. (That’s the size of a lemon–if it progresses, he’ll be having open heart surgery). I don’t anticipate anything since my Lifeline screening showed no plaque anywhere in abdominal, peripheral, or carotid arteries, unusual at my age of 64, and something I attribute to carnivore and keto. But we will see.
Since taking care of my dad with Parkinson’s I haven’t resumed a good working/writing schedule or a real control over my diet (or life) and all of us being so ill just seemed to drop my emotional reserves into the basement. I’m upset about world events, this globalist, socialist movement that seems to be careening toward us.
But my mother and my dog dreams are warning me I’m missing something lurking just out of my sight, I’ll need to watch my footing, all manner of hazards ahead. Or someone hiding in an alcove not wishing me well, some betrayal afoot. A calm before a storm. To mix all my metaphors. Not something I’ve been aware of to date.
My mugwort is on the way. The good news is that I’m making headway with my dreamworld finally. The key is to wake up when I have them, make notes, pay attention–I’ve been missing something for sure.
Today I will fast. I’ll try to get my focus back here, regain my footing, get back on my path–I’m veering off.
But I’m certain my mother is helping me and my dogs.
Happy Monday. Do you dream? Do they matter? Let me know.