It sounds bleak, my title. And in many ways, it is.
I have strayed a bit on my diet due to a flagging emotional state–this time of year is my worst anyway, the time of year natural vitamin D stores plummet and the winter drags on. I’ve been here a year now taking care of my dad full time and it’s wearing on me. We have an Obamacare mistake it took the IRS three years to tell us (after the Marketplace misinformed me from the beginning). We have some capital gains issues that happened at the same time (a perfect storm)–and no we are not rich. We put all our savings into rental property which didn’t appreciate as it should have due to predatory lending combined with ill-advised and poorly conceived social programs. And let me tell you, the amount of capital gains they take (for my hard work) is b.s. to put it nicely. The coronavirus, while not yet understood, is causing world panic–something I knew immediately was coming–just from the way they were all behaving. I started stocking up on canned goods and will keep the freezer stocked with my good grass fed meat. This political environment has separated folks to a degree that is alarming–of course, I think it’s a reaction to the extent the liberals have moved left, but am sure the progressives have their point of view. But it’s worrisome.
My stomach hurts. I am hoping I pulled a muscle shoveling snow last Thursday, but I can’t rule out an ulcer. Or gastritis.
So I’m taking measures immediately here. These are my plans:
The taxes are not yet figured out on the capital gains–we will get that done this week and decide how to address it. No more Obamacare as now I’m old and just qualified for Medicare. Or I will March 1. I presently have no insurance until Sunday. But then I will have no more insurance issues. Our last rental house will sell soon and that will take care of this present disaster–though it will not pay off our house in the U.P. now. But there will be a way to manage it.
I’ve de-activated Facebook — I highly recommend that — though it will cut down on my views on this blog. I guess blogs are becoming outdated anyway.
I have stocked the freezer and started to gather canned goods, as I said — I highly recommend that. Stock up on soap and hand sanitizer.
My son with testicular cancer (even though his tumor marker raised, we think he is mostly out of the woods on this) has a very slow heartbeat now and I know I can’t really relax until sometime next week after his echo-cardiogram and/or specialist appointments.
Which is why a good diet and ways to manage stress are more important than ever before. I have too many people depending on me to not manage this stress better.
I’ve lost support from a few people, gained it from some others. It’s important to surround yourself with people who can be supportive, not that a dialogue with people who don’t agree with you isn’t important–but those right around you have to not be tearing you down. If that happens, change it.
So getting care-giving in a proper emotional spot in my head is important — I’ve made a bit of headway there. Now it is imperative to improve my diet, add back in some exercise, yoga, get outside some (the bay never froze so we are hoping that groundhog had it right).
Sticking to carnivore greatly improves my mood, so that has to happen.
I’ve still got to get through this week of taxes and figure out where I’m going to get the extra $20-$30K –borrow it — and my son’s doctor appointments–some soaks every day in a hot tub with magnesium are in order–I’ll get those Epsom salts on the list.
Cups of hot tea, maybe, in the afternoons.
Organizing this paperwork next week once we have this done — order always helps my mood.
Cooking — Cooking is problematic because it used to be the way I most nurtured myself. My father complains or acts terrible about much of my cooking–and I have to do it more often–both of which have taken some of the joy out of it for me. I know it isn’t me since he criticizes others, too. My niece and her other grandparents brought over French dip sandwiches and cherry pie, cole slaw last night–it was all fabulous and so appreciated by me — he liked the pie but the sandwiches were ” gummy.” Whatever the hell that means. He didn’t tell them that like he does me. Which was “big” of him. Annoyed me almost as much as when he complains about my cooking. And he’s complained before about my brother’s pork chops. So even though I know he’s just a pain, likely to get worse (it must be awful to be him) it has taken some of the real joy out of something I really really loved. And I’ve got to get that adjusted in my head so I can still enjoy it. It’s got to be the relaxing endeavor it has always been for me.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the control over my life and my days that I used to which has made things harder — we only have control over so much in our lives anyway — and I’ve usually been pretty good at regrouping. But I’m starting to have so little control, I’m having to look to concentration camp survivors for some kind of perspective. There are always those who have it much worse. And they survived by compartmentalizing the circumstances.
Dinner: fasting today, I think. I’ll make Dad shrimp pasta and tomorrow a version of Salisbury steak for us — sans onions and mushrooms for me. A nice wine, beef, butter, sour cream sauce for me. Some eggs for breakfast, maybe some bacon.
And tomorrow I’ll organize a bit. Try to get at least the illusion of order.
Dreams: I keep dreaming about my friend who drowned last summer (and her husband). My mother hasn’t been there lately.
I hope to report in some improvements on life as the week goes on and at least by mid-week next week.