I’ve had plenty of thoughts, trust me. But I can’t gather them into a coherent paragraph. Line up words that in any way describe the onslaught of emotions that have assailed us. Me.
Dad came down with pneumonia, became delusional. Spent one freaking night on IV antibiotics before they sent him home, me screaming at them that they were freaking crazy to do that so soon. He was having jerking muscles–apparently the dead give away his CO2 levels were way off. No blood gases were performed. Chest x-ray showed pneumonia. Five days later he’s in intensive care, jerking from CO2 build up and completely catatonic. We were sure he was dying.
Two days on a C-pap type machine that also draws out CO2 (unlike ones at home that only deliver oxygen–or his oxygen machine he’s normally on which also only delivers oxygen, doesn’t draw out carbon dioxide buildup), and there is quite a change. Amazingly, he seems to be coming around, sounding more lucid than he has in months and months–though I had to come back from what was supposed to be a short get-away in our camper to deal with the second hospitalization. Now I have to locate rehab places for when he’s well enough to leave.
It will be a future for him of thickened liquids and pureed food, something that at first upset me greatly (let alone him) before I realized that I could make him some creative soups chilis, fruits, desserts of many kinds. That with a new power blender his life might not be as bleak as that pronouncement at first seemed to relegate him.
But I am as unfocused as I’ve ever been in my life. Poor diet, no exercise and of course no sleep. Perhaps once he is in rehab, I’ll get a break (at Dads expense) since people are not allowed in for visits. We will get him a computer and hope their staff can help him zoom–his fine motor skills are shot to the point buttoning is becoming nearly impossible let alone negotiating technology.
Meantime, my son had us watch a documentary on the evils of social media which reinforced my decision to abandon facebook. I had never used any of the others except WordPress, which so far functions completely differently. Though I see changes in WordPress that are worrisome. Still, I have a support system primarily and people interact here more as they would in person–and at least I’ll also be able to promote my work. As a writer it’s nice to be able to write and have an audience.
I’m not certain when I’ll regain order and a mind that I can focus or count on — or even recognize. Who am I?? But I have no doubt I will regain equilibrium of sorts. The idiot doctors who caused this– and I’ll spare you the details about how they screwed things up even on the second admission–bring up hospice to me and no ventilators and crap like that when a week before they nearly cost him his life he was nowhere near such a thing and the subject is none of their business regardless.
Do your job, medical people. Dad will let me know when he’s ready to go. I’ve been caring for him for two years, studied Parkinson’s, considered every possible scenario–none of which can be settled on until the time is right–and none of which have anything to do with them doing their jobs or deciding who has quality of life and who doesn’t. I have a lot of thoughts about how useful they are in the grand scheme of things.
But I haven’t forgotten you. I’ll write when it’s time.