Carnivore Dreams – Lucid Dream – my mom

Breakthrough in my dream walking.

I hadn’t been incubating my dreams in a year or longer. But I did the last three nights. I remembered them. (Incubating is purposely making an intention to focus on your dreams, planning, perhaps, in participating in them, directing them, but the incubation part is preparation for lucid dreaming. Sometimes it’s asking a question, summoning a person, etc. Mugwort by the bed or under the pillow helps. Some people wake up in 4-6 hours purposely because that is usually when people are dreaming. I don’t do that. But I focus in when I know I’m dreaming, awaken enough to pay attention to them if not make notes. In the morning when I’m aware I’ve been dreaming, I don’t move my head or get out of bed, don’t get distracted until I remember them as fully as possible. This is big.

Anyway, if you read my sidebar, you know why I’ve been trying to contact my mother (since I believe in Einstein’s version of time and alternate universes and Jung’s idea of synchronicity), that should give you an idea–if you read the sidebar here. I had a burning question I never asked her before she died.

No, I didn’t ask her — I wasn’t able to direct the dream well enough. But this was a more direct interaction with her than I’ve had in past dreams. In the past when I’ve dreamed about her, she seemed to arrive in my earlier dreams and seem more wispy as later dreams muted them some. This dream was not long, but it was direct. I always wondered if I was stopping her from coming — or SHE was stopping it. So this dream seemed to address that feeling I’ve had.

Mom and I were not close when I was growing up. I say that. We had a lot of conflict and yet she did so much for me. Girl Scout leader, helped me buy my first horse, took me for lessons and to horse shows. Mostly while I treated her fairly poorly. However, I only remember my mother hugging me once until I went away to college and came home — then we got much closer after that and especially once I had kids. She was really a huge part of my life by then. I probably talked to her 3-4 times/week on the phone.

Well anyway, Mom showed up last night. She looked young as if she were living in some other world, like the picture above. Not like I remember her myself looking like that very much, though she was always a beautiful woman. She asked me why I was never affectionate to her (I know the fact I wasn’t demonstrative really hurt her feelings.) I told her I didn’t know and I didn’t. But I pointed out that she was not affectionate to me for as long as I could remember. She looked sheepish, ashamed.

Now mind you, I knew she loved me. She took too good care of me and my brother and spent so much time involved in my life. But apparently I hurt her feelings before I could remember doing it because I only remember her holding me or hugging me once — when I had a childhood migraine. She was rocking me and I was in agony. The rocking made me feel like I was going to throw up, but it was so unusual for her to do that, I didn’t want her to stop, so I suffered.

I never threw up, thank heaven. And it’s a memory I charish now.

But last night felt like a meeting. Perhaps she’ll show up again soon and tell me who “told her” my son would be born with Down Syndrome–something she confided to my brother the day before. It wasn’t a dream, she said.

Or maybe she was dream-walking, lucid dreaming, moving in time??

It was nice to see her. She died 27 years ago.

How can that be?

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