Carnivore Dreams — Loop Da Loop

Loop da loop is what I call a Michigan left. No left turn, ya go through the light and loop da loop around to the left and then turn right. Loop da loop. Not sure why the wake of the Badger running across Lake Michigan reminds of the loop da loop. I suppose it has to do with the journey. Some sense of direction.

True North on a compass I lost somewhere in a deep pocket…

It’s 2 a.m. and I’m not asleep.

I have been having constant headaches for weeks. Well, headaches that last days and let up barely and continue on. For more days. Dizziness. My TSH thyroid number is too low so I may be over-medicated even though T3 and T4 are ok. Ultrasound of my neck coming up. Meantime, I’ll cut back a bit on dose and hope I feel a bit better by early next week. Get rid of one headache and start another.

Loop da loop.

I finish binge watching the last episode of Frasier which makes me cry and reminds me of such happier times when my children were young, my daughter dancing ballet through my living room, my son riffing away on the steel guitar with his band, blaring away on his ska trombone in our basement, shaking the walls and old glass of our Craftsman bungalow in lower Michigan….

They wrote their own lyrics they’d never get away with now…no fat girls…

I finish Frasier and as soon as I wipe my eyes, I start over with season 1, episode 1. Lupe Valez — things have a way of working out even if it’s not how we planned…it says…

Loop da loop.

My mother’s modeling picture is hanging on the wall next to my closet. She gazes aloofly off over my head, you can almost intercept the dreams that emanate (past, present future, all exist simultaneously according to Einstein). She told me once years ago, long before she died, that she believed in reincarnation and that we’d lived in some earlier time, she and I where they had horses and life was simpler.

Loop da loop.

And she told me someone told her my son would be born with Down Syndrome — the night before he was born. She died without telling me who told her.

I was too afraid to ask.

I signed up for a lucid dreaming online seminar thing. For Friday. I had gotten sort of good at lucid dreaming which was adding to my life and informing my writing. My fantasy/time/dream novel thingy.

Before.

Then I moved in here to care for my dad and stopped dreaming.

And writing.

And maybe living.

All of our lives, all humanity, turned inward.

Quarantined.

On hold as if we were all actors in some metaverse, some satiric indie flick, some joker put on pause or more apt yet– we are all suspended as if we were some cryogenic frozen bodies–dead for all practical frame of reference yet not without some sort of hope that we might live again.

Or we’d (and then THEY) finally realize they can no longer stop us.

Hence my seminar.

I hope to get back into my dreams.

And my writing.

And maybe even my life.

Loop da loop….

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