Words and thoughts.
Food:
-4 Sparkling water
-Organic coffee with heavy cream
1 p.m.
-4 Slices uncured bacon
-1 fried egg
6:30 p.m.
-Three jumbo shrimp
-8 oz. top sirloin
Observations:
Exercise was fine today. Nothing unusual to report today. More soon.
Dreams: The only thing I remember dreaming about was a big sheet cake with white frosting. Not sure I wanted to eat it—there was some event or wedding in relation to the cake! Otherwise, all murky.
No Mom, no Nanna so far…
Food:
-4 cans sparkling water (all day)
-Black coffee
P.M.-
-1 can smoked oysters
-3 Jumbo shrimp
-8 Ounces pulled pork
-An ounce cheddar cheese
Observations: People tell me I look better than I ever have. My hair dresser I’ve known 20 years. It has been ten days and the before and after (not exact background) seems to show my face developing a bit more shape, tone, and overall smaller maybe. I appear overall smaller everywhere. It has only been ten days so of course I’m not toned around the neck/jaw YET. We’ll see. But it’s a nice thing. I continue to have NO bloating. I haven’t been totally without stomach pain since I was a very young child. That is the most amazing thing of all.
I’ve been watching a lot of podcasts, most of them negative on the Carnivore diet. (From experts). Nothing negative from those who have tried it (except a couple with higher cholesterol levels). Jordan Peterson was pretty interesting, though he is not claiming to do more than relay his own experiences as I am doing. He’s not recommending it, though he and his daughter feel remarkably better, especially her. Interestingly, his daughter has autoimmune diseases as I have (Hashimoto thyroiditis for me). I don’t have them to the extent she does. But I have constant bloating and stomach pain and a puffy face most of the time. That has improved. So perhaps its true we are just allergic to almost everything. I’m not sure.
This week is one of appointments and travel and concerts, so the notes will be short and I won’t be writing any lyrical prose, but it’s still a nice week of errands and I’ve been able to stick to the diet.
Dreams: I had one dream in the middle of the night I can’t remember now. I know if I got up and wrote them down, I’d have them, but then I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. No mom or grandmother. I don’t often have bad dreams, but when I do, they are like this one: My son with Down Syndrome is dying or lost. Last night I took him somewhere, turned my back and he disappeared. I spent all night it seemed looking for him and he finally showed up. It’s such a terrifying, lost feeling and the settings when I can remember them at all, are always nebulous, foggy. This time we were outside at least initially.
I will still keep invoking Mom and Nanna.
Food:
A.M.
-Sparkling water
-Organic coffee
1 p.m.
-4 slices uncured bacon
7:00 p.m.
-12 oz. New York Strip
-Five Escargot in butter
Observations: Just a bit tired today. Felt a little like a cold coming on. Had phone calls to make and apartment company bills to pay. My workout warrior session went well and I felt strong. Met my friends for dinner. So I felt I looked a bit tired as well, but dinner was nice.
Dreams: I remembered all my dreams perfectly this morning, but waited until this evening to record them. Big mistake. But I will try invoking dreams of the ladies before sleeping and not make the same mistake tomorrow.
Inukshuk at camp
Food:
-Two glasses spring water
-Three 12 oz. cans LaCroix sparkling water
– Black organic coffee
1 p.m.
-6 oz. hamburger patty with cheese
– One cup organic chicken bone broth
7:30 p.m.
-Tin smoked oysters, drained
-12 oz. ground pork patty
Observations: Nothing really new to report today. My skin continues to improve. I ate a bit more today since I was tired and feel a bit like I might have a cold. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will remedy all that.
Dreams: I had an image again of a black rock against white ones, seems to recur. Then I dreamed about a tv or movie mom, not my own. Or a mother in a nursery rhyme, I’m not sure. Like Mother Goose maybe. I remembered it early this a.m., but the details are fading. She was sitting at a table with her hands folded, I know that. Still no real luck invoking my mother or grandmother. But at least I got some mother!
Food:
A.M.
-Sparkling Water – 12 oz.
=Coffee with heavy cream
-3 strips uncured bacon
P.M.
-Chicken wings – 6 dry rubbed
– One six oz. hamburger patty with cheddar cheese (these were out at a restaurant)
-Two glasses white wine
-Coffee with half n half
Notes: I know on the wine. But this was a bucket list night. We saw the Eagles at Lil Caesar’s Arena. Second best concert I ever attended, second only to the first night the Blues Brothers EVER played. They opened in the Hollywood Bowl for Steve Martin in 1978 and it took the audience a little bit to realize who was on stage. Most exciting concert I’d ever been to and only Steve Martin could have followed that act. I lived in Newport Beach and Balboa Peninsula for four years. Seen a lot of good concerts and performers in my lifetime, including Bob Seger, but this was nearly as amazing as the Blues/Martin concert. Even without Glenn Frey. His son Deacon is adorable. Vince Gill’s voice was a nice choice as well. Loved Joe Walsh on guitar and Don Henley’s voice is still wonderful. So it was a celebration.
Observations: Everyone is noticing my skin so it’s not in my head: wrinkles are disappearing, my skin is smoother and moister by FAR. And it glows. My skin is also firmer under my chin and jaw line. Not perfect yet. Since I’ll officially be on this until the very end of Nov. I think I’ll take another photo Nov. 1 and then a final one Dec. 1. I really felt my energy return during my workout today and I feel stronger every day.
Dreams: I didn’t see my mom yet again. Or my Nanna. I had a dream about my childhood home, though. It was a turn of the century farmhouse that sat up on a hill with enormous maple trees in three rows of four. They weren’t live oaks and the house not as grand as Tara, but it felt like it back then. The maple trees were majestic. Haslett, Michigan. Outside East Lansing. We had 20 acres of pine trees and in the back was a small barn. We had five horses at one time, two mine. A grade mostly quarterhorse and a ¾ registered Arabian. I showed them for years and was on the MSU judging team. My dream was about that barn. It had originally been built by the peace corps as a small house we turned into a two box stall barn with a big tackroom that had a fireplace in it. In the dream, though, it had transformed into a beautiful industrial house you could see through to the pine woods behind our house. It had a silver metal roof now, dark wood stained paneling, and an upstairs. It was lovely. No barn stalls anymore. You could see the dining table through the front door. And it was shining with light throughout, almost celestially.
From my research, I’ve learned one of the most common settings for dreams are houses. I have recurring dreams about houses, all kinds, but they are not just settings. The house itself is always the star as if it is a character in the dream, not just a backdrop where action takes place. Again, this seems to represent my need for security maybe. This seems strange for a woman who has simplified her life to the bare essence and chooses to live a Spartan lifestyle off the grid and loves it. Off by myself so much with a handicapped child and a dog. Yet these themes show up repeatedly. Of course, this barn looked a little like my industrial camp up north. I’ll have to think about all that…
My daughter, Hilary, whose second job is photography, took this picture of some mussels we made a while ago. Works good for my menu today. She is a music teacher in Green Bay but I keep telling her to quit that day job. She also took those pictures of the ribeyes on the wood fire. She’s amazing.
Food:
A.M.
-Sparkling water
-Organic coffee, heavy cream
P.M.
– 14 oz. Ribeye
-mussels in cream sauce
Short note today: I have been on the road all day today heading downstate. Ate at our favorite steakhouse, Lucky’s in Imlay City. Not sure if there are carbs in the mussel sauce, so didn’t eat much of that. I knew I’d be eating a lot for dinner, so stuck with heavy cream in my coffee today. A longer fast feels good as well. I usually fast 24-48 hours every couple weeks and not sure I will go that long on Carnivore.
Observations: Another thing I notice besides less heart fluttering is less shakiness in general despite no change in caffeine consumption. I had had a bit of shakiness at times and that is much better. My skin continues to improve. I’m watching my hair carefully to see if that changes. I have fine hair but not horrible thinning for my age. So far so good.
It’s been six days and I’ve lost almost one pound. This is not too bad since I am down to my last five pounds here.
Dreams: I can’t remember them, yet I have some vague feeling my mother was there this time! I’ve been invoking her (and my grandmother) as I drift off to sleep. One of the things I’ve noticed is that if I get up and rush around, and don’t concentrate on the dreams first, I forget them. Today, I got up right away as I have to drive downstate and I forgot to slowly wake. It’s a habit I must cultivate.
Food:
A.M.
-Two glasses unfiltered water.
-Black organic coffee, this time with some caffeine in it
1 P.M.
-Three eggs fried in uncured bacon fat
3 P.M.
-Bone broth with a bit of chicken
6:30 P.M.
-10 oz. Ribeye
-2 jumbo shrimp
(Josh will have same except he’ll have four low carb tortillas, eggs wrapped in those, steak wrapped in those –net 4 carbs each Mama Lupe’s—and he’ll have an avocado and some blueberries and sour cream with his dinner. Half glass milk. Put him about 25 carbs.)
Reminder: My son Josh has Down Syndrome and is on Keto rather than Carnivore. I’m keeping his carbs between 20 and 30, preferably 20.
Observations: Slept well again. I notice my stomach unbloating and am sure that was due to that collagen supplement. I must stick to collagen in bone broth. I will weigh myself tomorrow, then am gone for ten days and will reweigh when I come back. My mood is fairly good considering the torrential rain and gloom we’ve had for over a week—this a.m. the high was 35 and I noticed some very “thick rain” out there, the first of the year. Early, but not unusual in the Upper Peninsula.
I felt slightly less energetic during my Warrior Made workout today. I hear that is normal in first week or so of Carnivore. So didn’t push real hard.
I felt somewhat off all day yesterday, a combination of the supplement and no caffeine until 2 p.m. I downed a bit then to stave off a headache. Things didn’t taste as good, but I had no heartburn or stomach pain last night and I slept well. Nothing else new to report at this time.
It is Oct. 12th and is now snowing hard here in the U.P. Sometimes up here in Oct. it will snow and then the sun will come out with the snow still in the trees and light up the fall foliage and it is a sight to see. Snow this early can be shocking, but it’s gorgeous. Today, it is 38 degrees and it is sticking to the ground, an inch of snow on the Jeep.
Dreams: I had more than one and remembered them both, but now can remember only one. I dreamed about another old boyfriend. Interestingly, they were the two that ended the worst. But in this one, he seemed to be very attracted to me and kind—first time that’s happened. I feel somehow I need to come to terms with all that. But more importantly, I think they stand for the last few months’ lack of direction in my work. My work feels unfinished, which it always does, of course, but that feeling dissipates as long as I’m into a project. This feeling has been due to my other son’s cancer diagnosis and my father’s heart and Parkinson’s problems, but nevertheless I’ve felt un-directed.
Most notable: Still no dreams about my mother or grandmother even though I invoke them before sleep every night. I’m still hopeful. I DO notice that my attention to the dreams is helping me recall them and I think I might be more and more participatory with practice. Fascinating stuff. I think the diet is making me slightly more optimistic in general and will see how this effects my dreams.
Food:
1 P.M.:
-Two glasses filtered water
-Black organic coffee
-Three slices uncured bacon
-Two pastured eggs scrambled in bacon fat with a touch of cheese
Mid-day:
-Cup of bone broth from pastured chicken
6:30 P.M.
-10 oz. grass-fed ribeye
-3 Jumbo shrimp sautéed in butter
Morning: I slept 8 hours and woke slowly before feeding my dog Maggie and hauling wood (still so wet I have to spread it around the woodstove to dry—will be glad to get it stacked for winter under the lean-to. It appears we won’t get the concrete poured under there for the sauna until spring, so we need to get the wood stacked back in there). I pour myself a tall mug of black organic coffee (still can’t imagine giving that up), and I get the fire stoked back up. My woodstove burns eight hours now, so usually I just open the flue and throw a few pieces on, but today it is nearly out. It’s also not burning as well half-wet.
Observations: I feel just a bit tired out despite the good sleep. I had more energy yesterday. Not sure if it’s the diet or just my desire for a veg day. Ah, just realized as I look at my coffee grinder I forgot to add the caffeinated coffee to my cold brew pot! I make it ¾ organic Swiss process decaf and ¼ caffeinated organic. Hm. May give me a headache. Coffee was a bit weak and blah, too. Hope no headache. Anyway, my skin is oilier, a real plus for me with such dry skin, my nails feel healthier, and I definitely seem to be leaning out some through the middle.
The only real issue I am having is a bit of bloat and gas—a mistake I made by taking a collagen supplement. I won’t do that again and stick to bone broth, get all my nutrients from food. I suspect that is the problem. I see they say no supplements.
It’s my exercise day, but all things considered, I’ve decided to move it to tomorrow when I’m packing up to head downstate for nine days. My husband runs our apartment building and builds decks and I go down every six weeks for appointments of some kind, hair, dog groomers, etc. This week we have tickets to the Eagles, a bucket list item, at Little Caesar’s Arena. And I’ll visit friends a lot this week. So will move exercise to Friday and Sunday the rest of this week and work on research before the fire today.
Dreams: Last night was eventful. I had an earlier dream I don’t remember much except that I was on a rocky beach. All the rocks were white except one black one in the middle—sort of like the shells in Something’s Gotta Give with Diane Keaton. It’s nearly Halloween and I’m in the mood for scary movies so watched Arsenic and Old Lace. I don’t like hard core horror so will dig up Hocus Pocus and mindless escapism like The Good Witch movies. Mostly I’ll read the dream books.
Second dream: I have a very close friend who I occasionally clash with over money. She’s much more frugal than I am. But sweet as can be. This dream was interesting, though. Started out we were in this office where this salesman (a tall man in a suit who was standing over us and had longish sandy-colored hair that seemed to be lifted as if in a breeze) was trying to sell us information on security. It was to cost $50 for some kind of video or consultation, not sure. My friend didn’t want to spend half of it (possibly because her husband is an ex-police chief and probably knows all there is to know about security). So I agreed to the whole $50, thinking it was par for the course. But soon, it seemed I was giving them not only $50 but a gift basket full of the money in small bills, so they looked copious and overflowing out of it, a bottle of wine, and I’m not sure what all else. She was really giving me crap because the basket itself was VERY expensive, it was beautiful, woven sand colored, with reinforced wood rim and some kind of gun-metal colored engraved emblems, large, and seemed to somehow represent something of immense value in my life. “You aren’t going to give them that basket!” she said. I decided she was right, the $50 was enough! I spent the rest of the dream trying to get it back from them. When I located it in some back room, some office woman at a desk had it loaded with all kinds of gift type staples, cheeses, and meats, and grains and beans and soup mixes and much more. It was completely overflowing with goodness. She was apparently going home with all this. I was busily unloading it, telling them they could have my $50 but not my basket. The woman was annoyed but didn’t try to stop me. I woke up before I got the basket completely emptied out.
Not certain what to make of the night overall. I know the first dream had something to do with a black sheep of some kind and there was much more to it I can’t remember; the second dream seemed to be critical of myself in some way. Do I let people take me for granted? Too generous? Am I worried I won’t have enough left in my own basket in my old age here? Do I need more “security” and what kind?
I am trying to “suggest” to myself that I dream about my grandmother and mother, both of whom have passed. My new novel will have women very like both them and since it is also about dreams, I am wondering if I can get them to participate. I thought of that before bed last night, but don’t remember seeing them.
Day Three
Food:
a.m.
-Filtered water
-Coffee with heavy cream
-¾ lb. ground beef
-2 oz. cheddar cheese
-Half cup bone broth
p.m.
10 oz. ribeye cooked in bacon fat
I didn’t sleep much last night due to the continuing storms. We’ve had nearly 4 inches of rain here in the U.P. in the last few days and my Little Two Hearted River is out of its banks as is the Tahquamenon. But the rain and thunder were so intense all night, I couldn’t sleep much.
Biggest observation: even with no sleep, my eyes are WAY less puffy, no dark circles and I can get my eyes open. I also felt like my vision was blurry a lot and seemed to be squinting and that is much improved even through lack of sleep. No headache even in this humidity. Energy good despite no sleep. Really felt full after eating the ground beef and cheese in town. Another big observation: I tend toward constipation—another great day of regularity—opposite of what they tell you about fiber.
Dreams: Since I didn’t sleep much, I don’t remember any dreams. I do vaguely remember dreaming a little bit. I woke feeling calm, though.
It was a day to run to town (35 minutes in) for supplies, so my research was also light. The fall colors are as nice as I’ve ever seen up here so it justified driving in the rain. More dreamscape tomorrow…
Overall good day on the diet.
Day 2: Roast Chicken
I woke feeling well. Slept well. No headache despite a night of thunderstorms. I felt almost too full yesterday and only felt hungry really late at night before bedtime. My skin is changing, much moister and smooth, pores slightly smaller. It will be interesting to see if neck/stomach tone up at the end of this experiment. My mood was also good (being a writer, I tend sometimes toward depression). I notice (this has been true since starting Keto as well) no racing heart or panic feelings, no skipping heart beats. I also have less ringing in my left ear, no back pain.
Food:
9 A.M.
-Two glasses of filtered water.
– Coffee with a teaspoon of unsalted grass fed butter (I understand butter won’t break your fast)
1 p.m.
-Leftover egg casserole (3 oz. ground pork, two eggs, an ounce of cheese)
-Four slices of bacon (I actually had trouble eating all this)
6:00 p.m.
-12 oz. roast chicken with skin (basted in bacon fat) and seasoned just with salt and pepper.
-2 oz. shrimp in butter/cream sauce
-sparkling water LaCroix Lime flavored
-filtered water through the evening
(My son will have an avocado and a few blueberries with sour cream with his dinner)
I stuffed the cavity with onions and left off my usual spices of cumin, chili powder, cayenne, Montreal chicken, and whatever garden herb I am in the mood for—spices and green powder would likely be one of the first things I add back into my Keto diet). But interestingly, the bacon fat, salt and pepper, flavored with onion, was a nice change. I am a bit low on steak this week until my Butcher box order comes, and if on Keto would have added a nice herb butter Gremolata to the top since I realize chicken is an inferior source of fat and protein. But it tasted nice and I have a nice bone broth simmering with the carcass. Tomorrow I’ll be back to steak.
My diet will improve when my oysters and sardines arrive, along with the next Butcherbox order. I do have enough steaks for the next few days, however. I need to visit Whole Foods or the coop for some good liver to make my liver meatloaf. I may have to resort to a few spices on that day… Once again, I felt almost too full on the above dinner and I forgot to eat my shrimp!
This morning:
I haul wood, trying to get it dried out due to the deluge of rain from yesterday. I do thirty minutes of WarriorMade workout which focuses mostly on lower body and some core exercises—but incorporates some high intensity movement. The fire in the woodstove is a relief from the dampness and I do my dream research in front of it.
Pondering dreams: Dreams originated in ancient times, first noticed from the early Greeks’ early works: Prometheus Bound and The Iliad and the Odyssey. Dreams were sometimes considered significant and prophetic, sometimes regarded as “false” and it required dream “interpreters” to discern the difference. They were sometimes erotic (whose aren’t?—thankyou Freud), but they have been ubiquitous in human experience forever. It is said that our dreams are a largely dismissed source of creativity, inspiration. An alternate source of evaluating our lives that are not often enough accessed.
This has been my first attempt at “directed lucid dreaming.” I am not sure how to accomplish this, but last night when I was first aware I was dreaming and stirred some, I tried to think of myself as participating in the dream as I fell back to sleep. I tried to think of myself as open to my deeper self, to what my unconscious wanted me to know about this life, my life. To actively being a character in the dream. It wasn’t a really vivid dream night, but I was aware of dreaming of my first boyfriend I went with for six years, someone with whom I had a lot of conflict and traumatic experience once. Later in life, we reconnected and worked through some of this. I was only just aware of him in the dream, as if he were standing quietly in a corner and observing me, and I felt a vague uneasiness perhaps, something that still feels unfinished, and perhaps it always will. There was really no imagery in this dream. I couldn’t recall any, what I remember seemed hazy, almost as if he were surrounded in fog, just a feeling he’d been in the dream. Though there was a truncated feeling even in the dream of incompleteness, I felt things were still “ok.” I have been having trouble getting re-acclimated to my writing life since my son’s health challenges, and I’m wondering if this isn’t more representative of my feeling undirected at the moment. But all in all, I felt less dis-ease than usual as I came awake, more on the right road, excited about exploring this novel and these ideas. The bed, with its clean, white organic sheets, seemed to support my body in a way that felt symbolic. The rain was easing, but there was a slow duh, duh, duh drip from the trees on the metal roof.
